Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's time to dance

For years I have been tough
strong
independent
I can do it myself
I can handle it
will do it
and well....

No need for a thank you
or
flowers, or a pat on the back.

The fact that I could do these things - prove myself, that was enough.
I had a do all be all attitude. I needed it - what was on my plate was huge

A husband gone working before the sun and long after it set. Baby after baby after baby, after what? one more baby? Running a daycare to boot. Plus insert many medical ailments and surgeries and pain. A house to keep up, a family who needed my body, heart, soul, and spirit. Children to chase, shape, and tend.

Doing it all plus is what I do. Without me doing my job my husband could not do his like he is able to do and vice versa. We know this. We do not argue on this point, sometimes point this out to each other, but agree.


It has worked.
Until lately.

I am done being strong, fierce and stubborn.
I am tired.
An engine can only run on high so long without a break and some maintenance.

I am ready for flowers, and pats on the back. I yearn to lay my head in a lap and have my hair petted. I want to be taken care of, if only for a short while. Daily tasks are slipping and I could care less. "Your socks are in the basket, won't kill you to dig for them."

You would think I would have reached this point in the middle of my kidney stone surgeries- throwing up on the side of the Highway with a car full of babies coming back from a basketball game where I made an appearance - keeping up appearances you know. Socializing the children. All important. Coming home from giving birth and being alone with two very small children and a newborn while bleeding and pale from exhaustion, two in diapers always. Dearest having little choice but to go back to work - or get docked pay. These are the days you think I would have laid down and given up - but my stubborn, put your head down, and get the job done attitude took over. This was necessary. Survival mode kicked in, and I am grateful for it.


But, no more. For awhile - I want flowers, and diner, and new clothes. Someone to notice my shoes and that my boobs look amazing in my new bra (thank you peri-menopausal hormones for making them grow!) Movies, and flirting, fun, and dancing. I want out. I want crowds, socialization. I want change. Dearest's position is safe in all of this - no fear. He is the one I want petting my hair and handing me the flowers and take me out so I can dance (he himself isn't a big dancer), we need something to look forward to. We need to get out. We need a change.

pics from vi.sualize.us

11 comments:

Brittney said...

I only have one kid.. but I feel you! I want to feel free and enjoy time out sometimes too!!

TERESA said...

I'm pretty sure that you are living inside my head. I yearn to feel young and carefree once again. To reconnect with the me that was. For just a moment to let go. I love them. Sometimes I just need to take care of me. Good luck...may the winds of change blow you in the direction of your choosing.

ps - I just discovered your blog and am loving the honesty :)

math guy, dock guy said...

Yep. You are correct. We need to GET OUT! If I had my choice it would be for 2 nights in another town. One to try to find relaxation and the other to be relaxed. Who can watch the kids? Oh yea, that is always the problem isn't it?
Thanks Jules.

beth said...

I understand....
and the only thing I can say, is that you said it....you said what you need, and now I really hope you get it...
it's not easy being a mom....ever. granted it gets easier once they are older, but if anyone thinks that just because mine are 18 and 22 that life is a bed of roses....well, I just might have to prick them with a thorn...
hang in there....now that you've said what you want, you will get it....I promise things will change for you....did you hubby read this post ?

Southern Sage said...

I tell the bride the same thing and try to get her to go on a girl weekend or something! I think that would get her recharged or something.

Also I think my hormones are working the same way!!! My boobs are getting bigger, I'm up a whole cup size since 2 years ago!

J said...

Everyone needs a break now and then and some appreciation doesn't hurt too. Seems like you have lived a hectic life for so many years now. You certainly owe it to yourself to take some time off just for yourself.

The Fragrant Muse said...

Sounds like your well is dry. And that it's finally safe to let out a primal holler for help. Or being petted. Good for you. Ask and ye shall receive!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

You deserve to get out, have a break, and get flowers :)

MagnificentDebra said...

I believe that you will receive that which you desire dear friend. I'm so glad you can ask for what you need. Sending lots of love your way.

Big Blue House said...

If you wait until we get back from Florida, we will take the kids for 2 days.....and by the way, this is a normal feeling.....it does get better. You have to put in your time and you both are but it isn't over quite yet....actually it never ends,it just lessens up a bit....Plan a vacation, do something different even if it is to go to dinner and a movie and talk to no one but each other....you both deserve it.
Love you more

spudballoo said...

I'm still in awe of how many babes you have and in such quick succession! No wonder you're running on empty....did you show this post to your husband?

xx