Do not send "homework" home with a four year. Unless this child is the first child, the oldest child, the only child, not the fourth child. Especially when this child has siblings in the elementary school who also have "homework". Homework that is due back and graded and effects their permanent record and learning ability.
I do understand that this is a very important time in my son's life and that I need to be aware of and corrective of his speech at home. (this is my fourth child in speech) I am pleased that my child is motivated enough to take this homework out and do it. But, as far as me and my responsibilities - I am full up. (hello, I am responsible for 100 finger and toenails a week and 55 spelling words to drill into three little brains- and that is just to start, and ohhhh don't get me started) Don't need you adding to it. Would you really dump a bucket of water into the river when the little boy had his finger in the dike? I am doing all I can to keep my finger in the dike, to keep the flood waters from wiping out my village. (I am going to start a sentence with and... you ready?)
And when you then "ask" me if he did his homework - more with a reprimanding look than a curious one it is all I can do not to go a little psycho mom on you. Did I lie? kinda? But not really, because, I did only noticed him using the work "okay" one time. It did come out as oTay, I corrected it, he checked his chart.
So, I tell you what - back off lady, oKay????? Notice, I used my K sound ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now go check out a good cause below. It is worth learning about.
A conversation from the past: "Oh, and then he just threw the car seat into the van. Just left it there. Didn't even buckle it in. Can you believe him. Doesn't he care about me? I have to take the time to buckle in the car seat, and the kids were crying."
O.K. , so I have been in this situation. I do know when you are running late, do not know that the car seat is not buckled in, and have to take the time to do so - it can be annoying. However, what was left unsaid in this conversation and I found out through the rest of the conversation was: the car seat wasn't in the car in the first place because the day before (Sunday) the husband had taken the children (all of them) out (where now doesn't matter). He had gotten them out of the house so this mom could have some time. She napped.
I have always gotten along with "the guys" better then a large group of girls. I tend to do better one on one with women. I believe the reason is that when you get a large group of ladies together the bitching starts to fly. You probably already know that bitching/bitchiness is contagious. One starts and like ripples in the pond the rest get sucked in.
This is what I feel is happening to husbands/boyfriends. We as women look for reasons to be angry with them. We are trying to figure out how they have done us wrong. Very rarely do we look at our own actions.
I have always been an advocate for husbands with my friends, I just can't stand listening to their one sided arguments (which is probably why I only have a few friends left!) However, my understanding of husbands drastically changed after reading Shaunti Feldhahn's book For Women Only.(and yes, there is a For Men Only) I had to read it twice. The first time I didn't have the open mind I needed, because, surely it couldn't be MY fault. I wasn't doing anything wrong - it was the man, always is, right?
I know that women don't even realize how they are acting. I was watching John and Kate Plus 8 with my kids last night. It made me remember this topic - watch from (time) 0:10-0:15 and 1:15 to 1:25... You really don't have to watch the whole 9 minutes!
Dearest laughed sooooo hard at John's facial response. He can't stand to watch the show because at least once during the show Kate disrespects John.
Getting back to the point at hand. Ms. Feldhahn points out 6 key things we women misunderstand about men. I have these points ( that I copied from the book) front and center on my bulletin board. They are:
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING "Men need respect" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. (in other words men see respect as love and vise-versa. If you disrespect your man you are saying you don't love him)
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING " Men are providers" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING "Men want more sex" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all ares of his life
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING "Men are visual" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING "Men are unromantic clods" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE Actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic - but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.
OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING "Men care about appearance" WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you make the effort to take care of yourself - and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you. :~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~ These are just very short summaries of the main points discussed in the book. Don't judge the book by the summary. Grab it, drink a glass of wine, and open your mind. :~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Alright comb your ruffled feathers down. Think about what I am saying, and just consider for once, that men are not always 100% to blame. Our guys live a harder life than we give them consideration for.
Even men like this book, it helps them realize why they are feeling the way they are feeling. See this blog post
Disclaimer - some men are just plain jerks and will continue acting the way they do no matter what we try. Sometimes you are just disrespecting yourself by sticking around. I mentioned this in a post before.
Looking at the quote from Patrick Overton...." When you get to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen to you : either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or, you will be taught how to fly." Patrick Overton
We can keep our car tuned, wear our seat belt, take the safest route, drive speed limit, and look both ways - but if the car in front of us suddenly stops, or a truck slips into our lane, or some other unseen event occurs we are still going to get into an accident. We can not control all aspects. We have free will, yet all things lead to an end point in our life, where we are suppose to be - not where we THINK we are suppose to be.
We don't get that job we think we are suppose to get, we can't have a baby when WE think we are ready, we get stopped at a traffic light when we are in a hurry, our plans get canceled, we are ahead of schedule - or not, it could be just the opposite of all of these. Every event in our life effects something else (all be it so tiny sometimes), we are like a rock being thrown into a pond - our life sends out ripples and we have no idea (usually) how those ripples will effect other people or events. We get stuck at the light and miss a car accident that would have happened. We get sick and teach people along the way about perseverance and hope or, possibly, death. We don't get the job and some other opportunity comes along we would have not been looking for otherwise, etc....
Control is not as much ours as we (Americans especially) like to think. Please, sit back and think of the bigger picture. Step outside of yourself and consider how your life is effecting all other things. We like to think our life is ours (we live in our own tiny bubble) and that we don't effect the person next to us with our bad mood when in reality we then send them off in a bad mood, which in turn leads them to _________.
Even with free will, I believe there is a greater plan for all of us. One that (controversially) I think is laid out for us ahead of time. Each step and action is there for reason - a plan we don't understand until later... maybe never.
P.s. If you don't believe me ask those handful of people that for one reason or another didn't/ couldn't make it into work the day the towers were hit on 9/11....
In the depth of the Minnesota winter it is very easy to be overtaken by the winter blues. Realistically, it is easy to fall into a deep dark despair/depression.
This depression has a name -S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is a true blue(get the pun?) studied disorder backed by science. See, we lack enough sunlight to fill the bodies' need of Vitamin D. Plus it is too cold to be outside for long amounts of time. This limits our amount of fresh air and exercise, and really, the amount of things available to do are also limited by both the snow and cold. (We couldn't go outside yesterday because it didn't get above +5 degrees)
Being an incredibly social person and a stay at home mom on a limited budget only adds to problem. I am around people under 4 feet tall who have a limited vocabulary. My outings typically include preschool and the grocery. Not the ideal situation for my personality type.
To battle these feelings I am going to post something fabulouslypositive and sunny(literally)
Why I love my job (today):
My "office" has a great view Our morning "meeting" is usually very low key. The level of creativity my employees show is astounding! "It's a wobot" I have worked in a variety of job environments - including (but not limited to) a bank, gas company office, flower shops, greenhouses, dance line coach, nanny, hostessing/serving and bar tending, teaching elementary school, cheer leading coach, and insurance sales. But, this job has been the most challenging, tiresome, and frustrating. But at the same time, it has been the job with the most long term rewards.
Last night I dug to the back of my closet. I was able to pull together a dress shirt I had bought for a New Year's Party we never got to go to, a pair of pants that would pass for dressy, and dusted off a jacket to keep from freezing to death. I even took the time to curl my hair and attempt more of a make up routine than a bit of lip gloss and mascara.The babysitter was scheduled and arrived on time. We were heading "out"! (Those of you with kids of your own will understand what a big deal dress clothes, make up, and a ticket to an event can be!)We were off to see the Bemidji "Volcolmotive"Show Choir Dinner Show/Fundraiser.
Bemidji, MN has an unbelievable chorale program. It is led by award winning director (and friend of ours) Chris Fettig. These kids travel around the Midwest competing (and winning) through out the winter and early Spring. Their dedication and talent is unbelievable! Did I mention that the music is live, performed by young men and women from the High School as well.
As we sat and watched this two hour long program I had to keep reminding myself that these were High School students, and this is an extra curricular activity for them. Also, even though you tend to hear about teens in trouble there are just as many High Schoolers out there doing amazing things. These show choir kids are a lead example of the good teens can do. Other than that, as always, I was left uttering only one word ....WOW....!
If you remember last week it was cold - REALLY cold -28.5 F..... I have seen it colder, but, not much. Until this morning.... It was -33.9 F. (-36.9 at the airport) The wind chill was -56 F. (that is below zeroooooo)
A few things happen when it is that cold. 1)School is 2 hours late 2) The sky is a molten grey color (see church pic) 3) You see plows coming and going (orange is MN D.O.T. , yellow grader is from the County) 4) Propane stops flowing and freezes at -35 degrees.... that is how we heat our house 5) The furnace doesn't stop running all day (I can just see the money flowing out the heat vents) 6) Things freeze up,(like our sliding glass door, which won't open), birds don't fly, small animals stay hidden (see pine bow) 7) Cars don't start and if they do they ice up quickly. (see van-Vehicles get covered in sand and salt from the roads) 8) You dress in layers - long underware, pants, snow pants, t shirt, long sleeve shirt, sweater, thick socks or two pairs, coat, scarf, hat, mittens, boots, and blankets in your vehicles (just in case) 8.5) It makes my resolution to exercise impossible! How can one walk miles in all those clothes? 9) You warm your car up before you go anywhere - letting it run for about 15 minutes before going. Then, run to vehicle and from car to location etc. 10) However... We are a hearty bunch and if you are out and about on these cold days, everyone that you run into is in the best mood. They seem to get a kick out of being able to survive this type of environment and the ones that can't, the grumpy ones tend to stay indoors!
I went to the movie last night (I love movies). It only worked to get out after the wee ones were in bed - so I ended up in the theater at 9:30p.m. and I wasn't back home until midnight. Having laughed so hard at the movie I was wide awake when I returned home. I flicked on the t.v. to wind down. Now, there isn't much in my taste on at midnight (that won't keep me up until 2a.m.). I ended up on vh1 (which I haven't watched since high school!) This show called Tool Academy was on... Oh, what to say? It was awful. I was watching like one might watch a bad car crash - you want to look away, but, you just can't!
The show "tricks" these men- no boys- into coming to a house to compete for what they think is a Mr. Awesome contest. They are there in fact because they are all tools and their girlfriends have nominated them. This is where I started thinking a couple of things
1)I am much too old for vh1 2)These guys ARE asses 3)Why, oh why am I watching this? 4)But, most importantly what is wrong with these women.
What kind of woman would stay with such a "tool"? (Get it? Tool academy) As annoyingly awful as these guys were, it is the women that bothered me. None of them were married, they did not have children together - in fact there was no legal binding between any of them. They were all young, beautiful and looked as though they could get any guy they tried for; including a NICE guy.
After watching the interviews the guys did when they thought they were competing for Mr. Awesome each of the girl cried and said that they had tried to change and do everything and yet their boyfriend still acted that way, with tears streaming the whole time. One girl did slap her boyfriend, which I thought was the most appropriate thing I saw the whole show.
Side Note: What ever these guys have that these girls think they like (which really, all I could see would be their looks) Is going to fade - they will eventually stop working out as much and develop man boobs, their pretty hair will start to recede, and they will eventually look like a middle age man... All a girl is left with is what is on the inside. This is what makes a husband handsome.... this is what a self respecting woman should look for - anyway.....
Needless to say, I did get myself to walk away from the crash and burn of a show before it ended. However, all morning I find myself still bothered by the young ladies on that show. I just want to grab them, shake them, or give them a hug and tell them that they are better than that! "Have some self respect" would be the first words out of my mouth. "Walk away, you don't have to stay!" would be the second. Why try to change yourself AND change this horrible excuse for a man to make it work? Dating is about discovering who the other person is as well as discovering who you are. Then you hope to find the combination of woman and man that work best together. The idea is not to change who you are and beat your head against a wall trying to get your mate to change too. Most importantly - stay true to yourself, respect yourself!
No man should make you cry, and the right one won't!
I love local artists. Especially singers... Small hometown people selling their albums on their own; out of their house, or on the street kind of singers. My favorite group is Freedom's Call. I am a bit partial since two of the four girls are our babysitters, (they are impossible to get now though since they have become so busy with their lives and their singing engagements!) . These four wonderful girls started when they were in High School and Middle School. They have amazing talent and are incredibly smart to boot. They will all graduate High School with two years of college under their belt beside having an active social life, church life, and their many venues. They have cut two CD's so far. You can find their CD's here.
I found Tony Pitschka at a street fair 40 miles from my home town. He was selling outdoor rock oil lights (for more than I wanted to spend) and he was also selling his CD for $10. I passed on the lights but I think I surprised him when I asked if it was him singing on the CD (he looked a little different that day) When he said it was him, I told him I wanted one. It became one of my favorites.
I lost my I Gotta Get Back CD for a year. I missed it. I have been blaming my dearest. But, surprise, surprise! I found it today while putting away my Christmas music. It was hiding under another CD. (I still don't know where the case is though) I listened to it twice today! Hear a sampling of his songs here Tony's web site is here
The latest in my local collection of CD's is from a craft fair. It is from Spiritwood Music out of Ely, MN(one of my favorite places to go!) You can sample all of their songs at their website. They possess a kind of folk bluegrass spirit. (sorry, no classic rock here!) I was surprised with their wide variety. Good for background music while cooking supper or relaxing with a cup of coffee.
This kind of music tends to be my favorite because I can feel the hope and love put into each song. There is so much originality of sound, excitement, dedication, and love for the music that shines through these singers that make each song special. It's pure...
My "To Do" list has gradually decreased over the years. This is not due to the fact that I have less to do, oh no! This, I believe, is that my expectations have become more real. I no longer think I can plan all the events of my day in any kind of order. I have slowly learned that trying to structure my day around what I "needed" to get done was only leading to disappointment. I would go to bed feeling like a failure. I have come to realize what I NEED to get done everyday is make sure that my family is taken care of - how that changes is not only day to day but moment to moment.
In this spirit I may have found a "to do" list that will work for me from Prettybitter.com Being someone who still likes to feel accomplished I do still "plan" one or two things I want to do. These are either put on a mental or actual to do list. For example today's list had two items on it: put away laundry and finish putting away Christmas decorations. By lunch time I had crossed off the decoration idea (not because it was done, but,because I knew it wasn't going to get done) The amount of things accomplished around here are far greater then one or two things I place on my list ... today for example - Get three wee ones on bus by 7 a.m., get beloved out the door with food and coffee in tow at 7:15, shower 7:30(meeting is in 1 hour), get wee one #4 up 7:45, get both of us dressed and fed(not so successful this a.m.) get vehicle warm and ready by 8:15, somehow do hair and makeup in between shower and leaving. Arrive at meeting early to make copies, drop wee one at play room, meeting 8:30-9:40 (we went long), get gas in cans per request of beloved, come home by 10:30a.m., move onto lunch and getting back into the swing of the house, somewhere around noon I started putting away the laundry (I still have 2 of the 10 baskets to put away) This is about the same time I crossed off the Christmas decorations line of my to do list.
It is now 3 pm and I know this is the time I need to start thinking about supper. In one hour the wee ones will be off the bus and the 4 ring circus will begin (now in this corner.... the amazing grumpy wee one)
We use "to do" lists to make us more organized and to feel better about what we do in a day. I have found that they may actually work against us and that the maker of theI will do one thing today padmay have the right idea. If we can all accomplish one major thing a day and let the little things fall where they may we may all be better off in the end.
Being pecked to death by ducks Now, if you only have one child, and that child is under the age of 30 months of age, and they are still sweet smelling, cute, cuddly and think you are the moon and stars this post is not for you. Just move on, enjoy your sweet child and ignore what I am about to say. But, if you have more then one child, preferably more then two children and if they are of the age where they can reason and argue and make your life generally exhausting then read on my dear friend....
I have decided it is not the huge decisions in parenting that tire me out. You know, like should they go to kindergarten this year or next. (this year) Should we have them do chores or not. (Definetly) Should they be allowed to own a video game (no way) They want to quit, can they? (they finish what they start) Do we buy them a car, or do they have to get their own? (Their own) ... these have been the easy decisions to make. It is the endless tiny seemingly inconsequential decisions that are slowly killing me, or, at least prematurely aging me! Because each of these little decisions are NOT inconsequential!!! With each little fight, battle, or "issue" you are setting a precedent; you are setting a standard for how your child will act about something the next time this or another issue comes up.
Example - if I am too tired to address the fact that supper is not getting eaten (after all the time it took to cook it) however before the dishes are even cleaned the snacking has begun - in a weeks time I will have a real struggle on my hands. Or if today I don't confront the child that is speaking rudely to me today in a few years time I have absolutely no control. Allowing small things to pass is really opening the door for really bad behavior later. Do I send them to school when they say they aren't feeling all that good -- They are tired, once they get there they will probably be fine... or not?... (they weren't ok I got a call from the school nurse before 8 am)
Yet, it is the bombardment of these issues that can slowly beat you down as a parent. I have it coming from 4 ways... it is like juggling 4 knives and a bowling ball, a slip of one and boy, what a mess!
Today, I had 30 seconds to make a decision about our wee one in a stressful situation. SO, I considered his personality and how it would effect the flow of the routine tomorrow. I considered how he had been behaving so far this morning, and the physical capabilities of his body to do what I was asking him to do. I was alone and had to consider how this decision would effect me and our wee one who was still at home. In the end I threw my kindergartner on the bus crying (running out to the waiting bus with him in my pajamas and slippers (without soles) hair looking much like a mad woman's) he cried on the bus, I cried on the way into the house.
For my own survival and humor I looked for an instruction manual online. I didn't find one. (surprise) Actually I saw what one Dr. called an instruction manual for kids, but it couldn't be because it was too small! I decided that they could never sell a proper manual to the general public because that book would have to be so large and so all inclusive that you couldn't print it all, lift it, or afford it, plus where would you store it?
In the end I got a call from the school nurse and had to go in anyway. By the time it was all done I was drained; emotionally exhausted! It is not the big decisions, but, rather the seemingly inconsequential decisions that in the end really do matter. These are our responsibilities and if we waver on these decisions, the ones that exhaust us now, we will be in a heap of trouble later. Eventually there are vehicles, boys, grades, and illegal substances to worry about. We are building a foundation and anyone who has done construction knows that dirt work is not easy....
My final resolution for 2009 is the traditional, can't have a list of resolutions without this resolution - resolution. The exercise resolution.
I used to walk two mornings a week. The only time I didn't go was if it was colder then -20 degrees yes that is below zero. I have to say that I felt good. I enjoyed the routine and I didn't seem any more tired then I do now - actually I am more tired from the lack of good exercise and fresh air.
However, I have fallen into the sleeping until the last minute routine. Oh, how I like the sleep! Yes, lazy lazy lazy!!!! My pants are tighter and there are several pair that no longer fit me.... yet, I keep sleeping away the mornings. I do better in the late Spring and Summer of course since there is more then ample opportunity to get outside without appendages turning black from frostbite! (Final excuse) It is also really hard getting up in the pitch black and walking with the small spotlight of my headlight - like a miner going into a (frozen) mine.
Resolution #3 Spend more intentional time with my beloved. Amazing how we have time for everything else in the world except what matters. As mentioned in a former blog(happy anniversary) we have things working against us. (Mostly available/good babysitters, and the cost of going out). Now I say this like going out is the only option. It isn't and I know that - however, staying at home is very distract able (ok, so I am distract able) between the things not done and the couch being a little too comfy for one of us (zzzzzzz.....) it does not work well.
However, I believe we need to make time together "intentional" We need to make sure we don't miss our plans like we wouldn't miss a business meeting. Have a plan and go with it.
1)So, first comes date ideas - always a toughy.
2)Then, increasing my list of potential babysitters. All of our sitters are getting to the age of being too busy.
3)Then of course finding plans/ ideas that don't cost an arm and a leg since the sitter will need to be paid with those!
There in lies the challenges behind resolution #3. But this is probably the most important resolution on my list - I would say one that is WELL WORTH THE CHALLENGE!
picture by A. Nelson - Our Vow Renewal (after 10 years) Summer of '08
Wow. Hmmmm. Our oldest wee one looked at our wedding pictures and said - "That's you? Wow, you were a LOT younger!" I guess so. There is a big difference between 35 and 24..... However-
In summary no other time in my life has gone by as quickly as the last 11 years.
We have moved from North Dakota, back to Minnesota, out to SW Colorado, back to Minnesota. We have built a house and improved that house. (sorta) We have been through several vehicles. We have had 5 children, lost one. We have spent more time apart then together building a life together. We have both been working on all areas from the foundation to the finishing touches. But, like a house. You are never done. Paint chips, a tree hits the roof - there is always maintenance to stay on top of, and improvements that you want to make. Any couple who thinks their relationship is perfect is being fooled (or lazy).... there is always work to do.
I love my hubby and have from our first date. (Maybe from the first time I saw him walk around the corner with his bright blue eyes) The longer we are together the more I love him. We do, like most young couples, get lost from each others. So much! Kids, work, work, work, kids, other responsibilities, and lack of available babysitters (never mind h0w much it cost to do anything these days, plus pay for the sitter!!!!)
But, for tonight, we will go to the movie and enjoy a couple of kid free hours together.
(I have been married long enough to know my other half will fall asleep either during or right after the movie. I will love the movie, and it will bother him that it is "not realalistic". I will stay up late, he will crawl into bed as soon as the sitter is home.)
He is --linear--, I am well, what, ~~I am not~~! Yet it works. Funny~~ --
