Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Beware: Bitching is contagious

A conversation from the past:
"Oh, and then he just threw the car seat into the van. Just left it there. Didn't even buckle it in. Can you believe him. Doesn't he care about me? I have to take the time to buckle in the car seat, and the kids were crying."

O.K. , so I have been in this situation. I do know when you are running late, do not know that the car seat is not buckled in, and have to take the time to do so - it can be annoying. However, what was left unsaid in this conversation and I found out through the rest of the conversation was: the car seat wasn't in the car in the first place because the day before (Sunday) the husband had taken the children (all of them) out (where now doesn't matter). He had gotten them out of the house so this mom could have some time. She napped.

I have always gotten along with "the guys" better then a large group of girls. I tend to do better one on one with women. I believe the reason is that when you get a large group of ladies together the bitching starts to fly. You probably already know that bitching/bitchiness is contagious. One starts and like ripples in the pond the rest get sucked in.

This is what I feel is happening to husbands/boyfriends. We as women look for reasons to be angry with them. We are trying to figure out how they have done us wrong. Very rarely do we look at our own actions.

I have always been an advocate for husbands with my friends, I just can't stand listening to their one sided arguments (which is probably why I only have a few friends left!) However, my understanding of husbands drastically changed after reading Shaunti Feldhahn's book For Women Only. (and yes, there is a For Men Only) I had to read it twice. The first time I didn't have the open mind I needed, because, surely it couldn't be MY fault. I wasn't doing anything wrong - it was the man, always is, right?

I know that women don't even realize how they are acting. I was watching John and Kate Plus 8 with my kids last night. It made me remember this topic - watch from (time) 0:10-0:15 and 1:15 to 1:25... You really don't have to watch the whole 9 minutes!

Dearest laughed sooooo hard at John's facial response. He can't stand to watch the show because at least once during the show Kate disrespects John.

Getting back to the point at hand. Ms. Feldhahn points out 6 key things we women misunderstand about men. I have these points ( that I copied from the book) front and center on my bulletin board. They are:

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
"Men need respect"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
(in other words men see respect as love and vise-versa. If you disrespect your man you are saying you don't love him)

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
" Men are providers"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that
their inadequacies will be discovered

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
"Men want more sex"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and
confidence in all ares of his life

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
"Men are visual"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of
other women

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
"Men are unromantic clods"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
Actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic -
but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.

OUR SURFACE UNDERSTANDING
"Men care about appearance"
WHAT THAT MEANS IN PRACTICE
You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you make the effort to take
care of yourself - and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support
you.
:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
These are just very short summaries of the main points discussed in the book. Don't judge the book by the summary. Grab it, drink a glass of wine, and open your mind.
:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Alright comb your ruffled feathers down. Think about what I am saying, and just consider for once, that men are not always 100% to blame. Our guys live a harder life than we give them consideration for.

Even men like this book, it helps them realize why they are feeling the way they are feeling. See this blog post

Disclaimer - some men are just plain jerks and will continue acting the way they do no matter what we try. Sometimes you are just disrespecting yourself by sticking around. I mentioned this in a post before.

11 comments:

TheChicGeek said...

This is a great post. I couldn't agree with you more and I love that show too!

PS: Thanks for giving my a nice letter...I'm working on my T things :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with you but have you read the "For Men Only". Some things have to go both ways, like respect and on and on. I was just wondering what the book for men had to say to see if there are any similarities. It is such fun reading your blog. I don't get much done if I log on.

It's Just Me said...

I agree, a man has to try too. However, it is far easier for a guy to behave in a manner we wish for if we treat them well. That's all ;)

p.s. I have not read For Men Only. I had forgotten about the books until watching that show last night.

TheChicGeek said...

Hi Jules. Just finished my T things. That was fun!
Thanks!

julochka said...

twice in the past week, i've been in a cafe and overheard a table of women being totally bitchy about their mates and about their women friends who were not present. and it made me glad that a) i don't hang out with any groups of women and b) the two women i hang out with most are lesbians, so don't have the husbands are stupid thing going on. we make life hard for ourselves, for sure...

Adam said...

great post!

bitching is contagious!

Kareer Woman said...

Enjoyed your post!

Starlene said...

Someone needed to say this. I'm glad you did. ; )

Your words have made me wonder if the reason I don't have many girl friends is for the same reason. I'm also a one on one person and I avoid groups. I am also very uncomfortable in the midst of a group mentality. Logic,compassion, and independent thinking are always in danger of being lost and forgotten in groups when emotions start to run high. It's a sad and frustrating thing to witness.

FitToSeeJane said...

It makes me sad to see women tear down their husbands. I think it's wrong but it serves as a good reminder to me to examine my actions and words.
Nice post.

It's Just Me said...

Thanks for stopping by Ms. Jane... I don't think most women even realize what they are doing. It has become accepted/expected.

Thanks for the lovely comment.

miss amy said...

Great post!

I am going to have to get a copy of that book. I do think that women forget sometimes that men are very sensitive under all the brawn, bravado and whiskers.

Amy xx