Sunday Night... Still a School Night

Oh why great gods of the school schedule? Why must you have used such poor judgment? When it was -37 degrees and the wind chill whipped around us at -54 degrees, keeping us inside and wrapped in blankets and depression - why then did you give us so many days off from school?

The kids have checked out, they are done. They are not paying attention to the teacher, they don't care anymore. (Evident by the 9 wrong girly got on her last spelling test!!!) Frankly I have been in the schools and the teachers are done too... you are wasting our time and our short short summer. I have to go out there, I have to tell them - it's time to come in, this is going to be impossible. Because...

Now, now it is Sunday night - the sun is shining for the first time all day and it is beautiful, perfect really. The kids are swinging, playing, and getting along. The fighting is less then the laughter, and yet in a few minutes I need to call them in. I need to end the joy. They will blame me, not you oh school board gods. You are the ones who deserve to hear the cries across the district as children are being pulled away from outside.

There are showers to be had tonight. Early mornings loom for another week. Our season here is so short, why did you insist on making it a week shorter?

Oh, dear sunshine and perfection please hang on for one more week, we are coming - there is just one last thing we need to do, finish school.

Renewed Strength

But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

(New International Version)

pic from here

After the Rain

Pics taken after our
first thunderstorm

"In Your Eyes"

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
"In Your Eyes"

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

I am not here, I am here

I am not here in the blogosphere today
The real world has called to me through the rays
of some long overdue sunshine.

It whispered my name in the faint breeze yesterday,
but screamed in my ear this morning.

While we have been inside waiting for the earth to warm
The earth has been secretly prospering
under the cover of clouds
apparently ideal growing conditions for grass.

After that these guys are gently nudging me toward the garden shed
they would like more permanent housing.

Maybe, just maybe we have skipped Spring and Summer is here ?

Oh fiddle me riddle me that?

"The Naked Earth Is Warm With Spring"

I think that no matter how old or infirm I may become, I will always plant a large garden in the spring. Who can resist the feelings of hope and joy that one gets from participating in nature's rebirth? ~Edward Giobbi
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There are two things that signify hope for the future to meThe first is raising a child

The second is planting a garden

I garden bare footed - I love getting my feet in the earth.

The naked earth is warm with Spring,
And with green grass and bursting trees
Leans to the sun's kiss glorying,
And quivers in the sunny breeze.
~Julian Grenfell

Learning to Dance Again pt. I

The grass is turning. The leaves on the trees are about the size of a mouse's ear. The Spring flowers are putting on their show. (about a month behind schedule...) Lilacs are my favorite flower of all times. There is one particular place I go every Spring where I am surrounded by lilacs. It is the cemetery.As I posted yesterday, I was gone. To the cemetery. We have a few graves to visit. Grandparents, and my mother-in-law I was never fortunate enough to meet. But, there is one reason we head that way - it is to visit my daughter.

You probably know by now that we have four children. A boy, girl, boy and ohhhh boy. However, what most don't know is that we have had five children total (in five years time - yikes!). My girly girl was an identical twin. A mono-amniotic twin. (The two babies are in the same amniotic sack.) Without getting into details, let's just say this can lead to complications such as cords tangling - which is what happened. Our girls were taken by emergency C section one February afternoon. One came out wiggling and one didn't.

Portrait drawn by T.Halverson
from photo taken in delivery room

All I will say today is that as a parent it is very hard not to just lie down and die right next to your child. To hold your lifeless child's body is something that rips the life right out of you. This was 8 + years ago.

Each day since has been a journey. I have been learning to live again. To get up each day and not have it be the first thing on my mind, to not go to bed with a heavy heart. Learning how to make it through each day....and finally, learning how to dance through life again. Our journey has been a bit different since we look at the child we lost everyday. What I mean is the girls were identical. How one looks the other would have too. I know lots of people lose children but very few of them wake in the middle of the night to a little girl standing beside their bed and get confused. Is this real or is it a visit from the other side. If you lose a child you go through the process of , I wonder what they would have looked like or what they would be doing - it is almost more torturous to witness exactly what you are missing every day. Yet, it is a gift. A fine line to walk - trying not to teeter over the edge you are balancing on.

handprints from Alyse
taken at the hospital

I am not on this walk alone, I have my mate. My partner, my dearest... statistically we should not have made it through this struggle, most couples don't. It should have been too much, yet we survived. Together we are relearning the steps to this dance of life. We still step on each others toes sometimes - but we are learning the steps together, hopefully taking more steps forward then back.
We have since then had two other babies. A boy that we very much wanted and a gift in the package of a very unexpected boy. Who really plans on having 5 babies in 5 years time? Not me... but, I did it.


I love this cemetery. It is the Leaf Lake Finnish Cemetery. All the old head stones are printed in Finnish. It is peaceful, up on a hill, surrounded by fields on one side and a pine stand on the other. There are random flowers and bulbs that bloom from mourners of the ages past. Eagles, pheasant, humming birds, deer, and other critters make their way through. The wind blows and the sunset casts lovely shadow. The only traffic going by are family and friends heading home down the dirt road.

Beside being lovely we chose this cemetery for three other reasons 1) it was free, there were already a row of family plots available 2) there is family buried there already 3) it is 2 hours away from my house. I didn't want to be that mom that spent all her time staring at a headstone - I needed to move on... to step forward, not stay in that moment. There are still some days that it is hard to breath. Only the last two years have I been able to help plan my girly's birthday, and there will be days that will be joyous and unbearable all the same. I am no longer the same person I was, nor will I be again. But, I have learned how to dance again, something I always found joy in before.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is upon us again.
I am gone today - visiting cemeteries (more on that later).
However, I would be remiss if I didn't take the day to recognize
how blessed I am as an American.

It would be wrong too, if I didn't take a moment to honor
those that have protected the rights given to me as an American
These guys:

and countless other men and women who have
fought and died to protect what Americans believe it.

Thank You for.....

Freedom To Worship

Prints by Norman Rockwell

Freedom Of Speech

Freedom From Want

Freedom From Fear

Because Freedom Has Never Been Free

A time to mourn

Picture from Flickr

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
And a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance...

Words To Live By (at least for the long weekend)

Motto To Live By
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate* in on hand, latte* in the other,
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out, and screaming,
"WOO HOO, what a ride!"
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* Insert various favorable items - wine, food of choice, beer, soda etc.


Also - if you weren't by lately drop down one more post and see the answers to "Ask Jules"....

Ask and you shall receive

Here are the long awaited answers to Ask Jules.

If you are just joining the program - Jules' friend Amy threatened to hack into her site (which she has the capabilities of doing) and spill all of her secrets (which she has a few) if she didn't do a Ask Jules post. Link here for initial post

MagnificentDebra Jules, my question is: "How do I get rid of my fear of snakes?"

Since it is the bullsnake that you are afraid of (which is non-venomous and a beneficial to have around your house due to it's appetite for rodents) I am going to suggest education. Try this link. These snakes are constricters - not that you are a big lady, but still far too big for these snakes to constrict ;) plus they eat their food whole - again, not happening. Remind yourself that they can't hurt you. The initial reaction to one of these snakes is going to be of fear -every time (these snakes get big people!) but, then your mind has to take over your emotions.
Candy's daily Dandy ok Jules, How does one deal with a horrible ex-husband? We have children so I HAVE to deal with him to an extent, but he is a deviant and a liar and I wish he would dry up and blow away.

Now this is the question I have worried about answering... I do not have an ex that I have to deal with. However, I do know that when kids are in the mix - your behavior ALWAYS matters. So, I would say, always be very cordial and sweet -"kill him with kindness". Being a bitch will only give him proof of why you two aren't together. Plus being wonderful around your ex will not allow for your children to believe anything he may say negative about you. He will look evil if he is bad mouthing their mom when she is being kind. Events when you must cross paths show him a strong confident woman who is sure of herself. Smile and say kind words while tossing that blonde hair. Leave him dazed and confused by how fabulous you are.

Amy Is it wrong to have a bachelorette party after ten years of marriage - if you never had one in the first place - also is it pathetic to plan it yourself?

Hey Girls Just Wanna Have Fun I say go for it. I happen to know (since you are my friend ;) that you are having a reception for your anniversary too - since you two never had one at the time of your marriage. So, as a celebration of your 10 year anniversary and just because I want an excuse to go out - I say "go for it". However, you may not want to tell the general public your plans. Promote it as a Girl's Night Out, only letting invited guests know the reason for the event. As far as planning it yourself - unless you have a certain plan in mind I am sure that a friend or two could handle all plans needed.

math guy, dock guy How do we stop world hunger? (just curious.)

Well dearest, (this is from my hubby for those who aren't in the know) I would say all we can do is feed one child at a time, let's start with the four we have at home, since they are "always starving".

Amy I have this job and my boss is always adding things to my to do list. I already have a million things on my list. I am having trouble getting anything done because as I start something, a customer will come in and need help or want something from me. I lose focus so quickly and then can't get back on track or get needed tasks accomplished - instead I do things like visit my friend's blog.

May I suggest you up your ADD meds? Seriously though...
From Highly Effective People (from the book, I am too lazy to look the link up right now) tells us to prioritize our to do lists. List your top three priorities, only allowing yourself three subtopics (tasks) under each.
i.e. -
1) Clean House
a) Kitchen b) Bedroom c) Entry
2) Make Supper
a) Menu b) Shop c) Buy wine, forget to cook
This will help keep your list to a minimum. Once you have finished these tasks reprioritize and go again. As far as your friends blog - that is just motivation... definetly a necessity .

Seaside Girl Should I even bother packing shorts for my holiday next week given the unpredictability of the British weather?

I always need what I don't pack. One pair of jean shorts rolled up into the corner of a suitcase doesn't take much room and can be worn more then once. However, capris and a skirt (with a pair of funky tights as back up) may serve you better then shorts. They work better if it is hot or cool.

marinik

ok, so how do we stop that little voice in our head that's constantly nagging us about not getting around to doing all that we set out to do that day... it drives me nuts.

We can never do it all. I have a post it note in the kitchen cupboard that says - "When I start feeling guilty, that is when I know I am doing something for myself. " I find that I am a better, mom, wife, business woman, and housekeeper in general if I let some things slide sometimes. If I am a nervous wreck over all I am not getting done then I tend to get less done in the end.

At these times I ask myself - will it really matter if.....
Will it really matter if the socks don't get folded? No
Will it really matter if I don't get the permission slips signed and turned in? Yes

If that fails have a glass of wine and turn down the lamps and light a few candles (helps hides dust)-it all starts to look better

Jacquelyn When are you going to do a blog solely dedicated to making a marriage "successful"? (Or did I miss it?) I think it would be great for people to read.

I worry that I would sound preachy or superior. I have been married for 11.5 years and with dearest for almost 15 years. We very easily could have added to the divorce statistics. But, we have survived and thrived. Yet, there are people out there with far better advice I am sure. I have an idea. I will post what I have learned and ask others to contribute! Love it -thanks my dear cousin. (Get your advice ready - you fine married folks)

Phew! That's done - let me know how much I made you suffer so Amy won't make me do an Ask Jules again.

Ask Jules.... and she will answer

I am working on my answers to the fabulous questions I have received for Ask Jules

Still time to get your last minute ponderings in here.

I will be answering before noon CST time
(right now I need to go work on my car battery - since I left the key on overnight and killed it grrrrrrrrr)

Have you ever really looked?

Have you ever really looked at a dandelion?
Click to enlarge this pic
and REALLY look at it.

They are beautiful!
We have been told they are not
They are a weed
and We believed them.

It wasn't until I set this pic as my
Wallpaper/background
that I realized they were wrong.

What else have they told us
That we believed
Without forming our own opinion....

They might be wrong...

Puppy Love

Today was Kindergarten Field Trip day. I made it out to the State Park in time for the nature walk. I have been here a few times already this year and even posted about it here and here.

But today was by far the most fun. It is so neat to see how these wee ones have grown this year. I sent to school a frightened tiny boy and saw a more confident little man today. (that's him in the yellow sweatshirt)
It was also fun to see how the forest floor is waking up. Anyone know what type of flower this is?
Then I got to bring home this little girl for the afternoon. Dolly the beagle came out for the walk and extreme socialization but returned home with me while her owner stayed for the rest of the field trip. Oh puppy love! She is such a good dog and so darn cute! What is it about puppy breath?!
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Don't forget to submit your questions to Ask Jules here - I will be answering on Friday.

Ask Jules

This blog was started at Christmas time for my friend Amy. She has not so gently reminded me of this fact when I denied her wish for a post idea. Since my true friends are few and far between I suppose I had best keep her request, for fear of hurting her feelings, (or her hacking in here and spilling all my secrets!)

So, here is her request via comment on this post --->

Amy said...

When are you going to do an ASK JULES blog? You have so much to offer in the way of good advice (in your witty way) the blogging world deserves an ASK JULES week. I don't know what I would do without your advice daily - you always have such insight into any situation. I am going to go on a hunger strike until you do an ASK JULES blog week.

There you have it. I think I am full of hot air and unused book education, life experience, and an extreme amount of time studying human behavior. However, she feels like I give good advice.

Ask me what you want (play along for her sake - I do not want the secrets spilled!)

P.S. Keep it clean - my mom will read this ;) Or, maybe not, maybe she will learn something ! (just kidding mom! kind of)

Various thoughts - got to let them fly

To the gal that did my hair today - you totally rock, and I had a blast. I thought you were awesome when you were at the school and seeing you "in the work place" I realize it is because you are a good person, as well as a good stylist.

To the "girl" who was b*tching about her husband and "what he has done for you lately". Shut up! you sound awful - what have YOU done for your husband lately. Don't complain about him being out there working (most likely trying to keep your sorry butt happy) It is not like he is out drinking or having an affair. Sorry you found a guy who is trying to better your life. Try doing one nice thing a day for your man and see how much better he in turn will treat you. (I think the hair gal and I even chatted about this over the eyebrow wax this morning)

To my friend - the one who I have been 100% truthful with -the first friend ever, thank you for liking me still, or more?

To my hubby - I am here for you. I know you are working hard, and truly would rather not be gone. I am here for you and will keep trying to make your short time at home the best it can be.

To my parents - I haven't called, I know - bad bad daughter... my time will come when my kids don't call me, and I will say - oh I should have called my mom ...... Know that I am fine, the kids are grumpy and fighting and fine - come visit anytime, I forget to invite. I am grumpy and tired, but not at you.

To the man that was cleaning the glass doors at the bakery and told my kids not to touch them (while they were trying to open the door) or they would have to wash them again themselves - SCREW YOU, who the h*ll do you think you are? Back off MR. isn't it your job to wash them, and don't you understand that they are instantly going to get dirty again.

To that bright firey ball in the sky - where have you been and why must you be either hot or cold... give us poor northerners a nice slow warm up - you are melting me! But, I would much rather have it 80 then 40...so thank you sun god.
(Very typical of a Minnesotan to complain if it is hot OR cold - rarely do we approve of the weather)

Phew... I'm tired, but feel better - there you go.

Update - if you want to know how I am feeling, but couldn't verbalize go read this - amazingly well put, from my brain to her well put words Tara @ eyebuzz

Baby Cows and Sunrises

I have been walking a few mornings a week.
I need to be back before the kids awake - so that means my feet hit the gravel
at 5:30 a.m.

(Kacie, like my new waking shoes? Merrell's)Now that the earth has turned enough to allow light to shine on me at this hour. I decided to bring the camera.

I was hoping to get a picture of these baby cows. But, my battery kept failing me and I couldn't focus or zoom. But, dang it I brought the camera to get a pic of the cows - so here it is!
Did you watch "Yes Man" the movie with Jim Carrey - this pic reminds me of what it must have been like to be on the photo jogs with his girlfriend on the movie.
There is something entrancing about a sunrise. I am witness to wonderful sunsets often, but this night owl experiences far less sunrises...
They almost promise a brand new day.... to enjoy.