Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My super secret project revealed

Your Mom’s Tattoo Atelier
Downtown Bemidji
February 2009

I walked into Mike’s business, a cold call. I had nothing but an idea. I nervously explained how I wanted to collect the stories of people who live in Bemidji; people who loved living here. Because, everyone has a story, I want to know what they are- don’t you?

Mike listened, smiled, and agreed. He agreed to the project. I had no site, I didn’t even have my camera with me. Just off the street. I came into his shoppe and was made right at home. A man gifted in his work using few words, rather speaking through his inks. An artist.

You have a story, everyone walking the streets of Bemidji has a story, so does he.
What is it?
Join me as we find out.

A hometown boy who left, only to return to the very town that had once stifled him. Leaving showed Mike who he was. Returning allowed him to become that person. This is the story of Michael Wiltse:

I am originally from Bemidji, MN. I was born in the mid-seventies and grew up in the downtown region of Bemidji. As a child I never really liked Bemidji that much, I suppose it was because of youth dreams of other places.

To read more and to see Mike's slide show of pictures please go to my new website:

This is my town: Bemidji

This is my super secret project I have been hinting at for a month and a half now. I "officially" launched the site last night. Special thanks to Julie Michelle for the inspiration from her site - I live here: SF. I also need to give Mike at WildernessVoice a shout out for helping me navigate WordPress and Godaddy. It is good to have super heros.

Please read, and enjoy. Jules

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Don't Want to Grow Up

I registered my 5 year for Kindergarten tonight. A much different experience with the fourth child then it was with the first. I can't say that I am sad or heavy hearted even. He is ready. He can do this - he needs to do this. I do not doubt he will be beyond fine, in fact he will excel.

The problem is that I have to grow up now. I have been out of the job force for 9 years. Not much to fill the gaps on my resume even. A committee here, volunteering there, but nothing worth much. You can not put down - real life experience far better then your 'book learnin' you require. Nope. Not going to work.

So, now what?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Some good stuff, I should charge for this, AND, Collaborative Photo Project - Blur

First of all, if you didn't see my - What I meant to say post earlier today you are going to want to check that out (I lost a follower after I posted that! yep, it is that good haha!) AND - if you have been hiding under the covers and wondering what is to become of our now socialist society then you probably missed the funniest post I have ever had on my blog and the comments got even more interesting - Sage did it, I swear it wasn't me, you can crawl out from under the covers long enough to read that.

Alright - I know you are all on the edge of your seats in anticipation of our photos choices of the week - will they match ever again? What could they have chosen for the word blur? riveting isn't it?! I should charge for this stuff. Here we go:

The word for today is Blur

If that just was not enough excitement for you and you would like (hours) more- our previous pics can be found here:
Serenity, see also: Peace

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What I wanted (meant) to friggin say - to the "stupid" mom at McD's

Ok - just so you know...
What I REALLY did say was
nothing... not one word.

I took my youngest to (I really don't want to admit this but here it goes....) I took my youngest to McDonald's today (seriously, how gaggy I know!!! yuk, uck, gross, so unlike me) But, we were there, at McDonald's. In the playroom was my youngest and I, and two other moms. These two other moms had 3 children and a baby between them. The one boy was sitting at the table and eating while reminding the other children to "come take a biiiiittte". Fine - he was about 3 and cute as a bug's ear. However, the two moms were seated at another table away from the kids, not far away, but away. They were chatting (read:gossiping). They were loud, or the one mom was loud. She was going on and on and on about this that and gosh knows what (or cares).

Well, every once in awhile the mom would hollar up "....Ryyyyyaaannnn, come take a bite and then go back and play.... Ryaaaaannnnnn.... R.Y.A.N. Come take a bite, and not just of a french fry" this continued (change name per kid) over and over and over loudly, whiney-ly, annoyingly ... yeah. Every once in awhile she would throw in a "or else" and a "now" .
What I wanted (meant) to friggin say was - Your threats are empty and your kids know it. They are not now or ever going to listen to you, because they know your "or else" and "now" is full of crap.
Now this continued the whole time we were there. My (perfect, sweet, wonderful) son was sitting at the table eating his food before he could (1) have his toy (2) go play in the playland. He knows that we will pick up and leave if he doesn't listen to me - we have done it before and we will do it again - my threats are not empty people.

Next (I want to slap the crap out of you) moment was when this same mom (of the year) then starts in on how "stupid" the kindergarten screening was. How her son had to do this, that, and the other thing and it was so "stupid". She was telling her friend that she would not do it again - her friend should just skip it, cuz it was...... "stupid".

What I wanted (meant) to friggin say was: You "stupid" fool you. It is a Minnesota State Law - your child must have a Kindergarten screening before they will be allowed to enter kindergarten. OhHHHH and that tower that you said your son was suppose to make - that was so (you guessed it) "stupid" and the same tower you said you can't even make - my son made it when he did the screening when he was three. Now who looks "stupid"????? Dumb B*tch.

But instead I tried very very hard NOT to stare at them and be amazed by her ignorance, I bit my tongue (hard for me to do) and walked out.
pics from
Google image search

Monday, March 22, 2010

But, I'm not wearing any underwear!!!!

Amy is back, and she has a funny story for us this time. However, today it isn't about the gym she owns, no it is about her visit to Urgent Care:

I have been sick for four days now – yes four. We are talking fever, aches, upset stomach, dizzy and worst of all a sore throat. Finally deciding it was not going to go away I decided to make a “quick” visit to the Urgent Care Clinic this morning before work. Now I use “” around quick because you would have to be certifiably looney in the toons to think that on Monday anything about Urgent Care would be quick.

I drove into the parking lot 10 minutes before the clinic opened, thinking this would be suitable enough to get me out in plenty of time to make it to work. As I sat in my car I started getting that panic feeling in my gut – you know the one you get when you are about to get out of your car early Friday morning for the after Thanksgiving Black Friday sale? My eyes are darting back and forth between the clock, the parked cars and the ones rolling in – one hand is at the ready on the door handle. Finally with 5 minutes left till go time, someone makes a move. It was like a chain reaction of panic with doors flying open and people do that stupid run/walk (you know what I am talking about – that cross between a run and walk that people use when they are mid street and the little red hand comes up telling you it is NOT safe to cross the street, and you don’t want to look like a fool running, but you know time is running out so you do the run/walk – lets just call it a rulk). Anyway people are rulking up to the door, and of course even though there is a clear line formed at the door, people decide they are going to stand off to the side of the line and just cut it. So finally the doors open and we all rush forward like the walking dead towards the reception desk.

I get my place in the line up and go sit down to start the waiting (and watching) game. So all of these people are lined up at one reception desk waiting like cattle, when low and behold a receptionist at the other end of the building calls “I can help someone down here.” So this Dad takes his little boys hand and starts to walk over, when this older lady tries to do some type of football maneuver around them to get there first – tripping the poor kid in the process. Then of course I end up between the fighting couple and the woman with volume control syndrome who is having a very personal conversation on her cell phone. What else could I do but sit and pray for it all to be over soon. Thankfully, as I was visualizing grabbing the phone and walking over to the front doors to chuck it outside, I get called back. You would think my story would end here….

Unfortunately no. So I get checked out by the doctor and find out that aside from the nasal congestion/flu crud that has been making the rounds, I have strep – my third case in the last two months. I get the great news that she is going to have the nurse come in and give me a shot of antibiotics, no messing around with pills this time. Well, aside from the fact that I really hate shots, I could not come up with a good enough excuse to convince her otherwise – plus I can’t swallow pills anyway. The nurse comes in and I start to roll up my sleeve, only to be informed that this shot doesn’t go in your arm – it goes in your thigh. Well great! She asks me to pull down my pants and sit on the table. At this point I get the a case of the giggles as I explain to her that with being sick all weekend I didn’t really get a chance to do laundry so ummmmm I’m not wearing any underwear. And that is how I started my morning.

I'm trying here

First - I'm talking about sex over here.

Anything we do often can become a grind.

Today is laundry day. Yet, here I sit putting it off. Ridiculous really. I do not have to load up my clothes and take them to the laundry mat I don't have to sit there watching my clothes spin. I get to go down and shove three loads into one in my HE machine and walk away. But when you do the same thing over and over it becomes tiresome.

I think the same thing about other aspects of our life. Think of how new and exciting your job was when you first started. Think about the first days of your relationship. Things become same old same old after awhile.

It is our job to find ways to keep them going - and if possible exciting. Of course exciting may be easier in a relationship then in laundry, but follow me here. Pulling ourselves back, rethinking things may be just what is needed. Today I will remember that I am blessed with my great laundry facilities and not stuck in the cold ucky laundromat.
pic from vi.sualize. us
Are you suffering from the same old same old grind? How do you change it up a bit.

Let's talk

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Spring is here early. The snow has melted and the bulbs are peeking through the ground. Yet, I do not have faith that it will stay. I believe it will snow again. But, as in life - even if it does snow again, I do know that eventually Spring will be here to stay.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Would you like to be able to hear what people are thinking?

What is kinda scary is that my brain kinda works like this guy is talking - with chopped in bits of editing that don't relate - yet do. Can you follow?

Would you like to be able to hear what people are thinking?
Leave me a comment.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dating profile - to - English Translations

This is worth clicking on to "big it" and taking the time to read. Don't read with a hot beverage in your mouth - you've been warned. I am not responsible for spit coffee on your screen!

Read on:

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


My five year old has banned me from saying this word, but come on people
Stop being such followers!
Think, think, thiiiiiiink!

I do not understand how a bunch of relatively smart individuals suddenly and without warning start acting like a mass group of idiots. I do not think I am any smarter then the common man. But, amazingly I find myself often alone in my actions.

I can get in and out of my kid's school in record time to pick them up - simply because I do not try to crowd into the front parking lot that everyone is going into. I do not break the rules and head into the bus parking lot, nor do I teach my children terrible lessons by picking them up early - no - I simply drive around the back and occupy one of the 8 spaces always empty and available. I walk around the edge of the playground and grab my waiting children and head out. In and out. No mass suicide into the parking lot from hell with all the other sheeple.
This is just one of many fine examples. From clothes, to shoes, to handbags ladies conform everyday. A celebrity has it, your neighbor does, etc. Even crafting goes in trends that people just follow along with: cross stitching, stamping, scrapbooking, candle making, hotpads, fleece blankets etc. Don't get me wrong, I know that not all of this is bad. Following some trends is good and does help with social acceptance and keeps you from being the crazy cat lady, or that lady rocking the 80's fashion, not because it came back, but because you never changed. (yeah yeah - those are trends, different from following......or is it?)

However when individuals are fine with going with the flow and stop using their own minds I have a problem. Stand back, observe, look around, listen, but most of all THINK people. It is time to lift your head up and see if you are walking over the cliff simply because you are following.

What example of sheeple-ism have you witnessed lately?

pics from
Google image search

St. Patrick's Day Glitter Graphics

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Happy Day? Ask the lunch lady...

This is one of my favorite posts ever. I wrote it last school year. I thought I would re-run it today since it applies to today.

My morning can be made or broken by the school lunch program.

Today's lunch is soft shell tacos. It was a good morning.

Let me back up.
I stumble out of bed. Make my mandatory stop at the bathroom
(hey, it's true). V Line for the coffee pot (don't get in my way less you get pushed aside) . The lunch menu is stuck to the fridge beside the coffee pot.

My eyes final formed a small enough slit to peek out of my sleep induced comma. I look, with fear, at what the lunch menu says
(the sound of the coffee pot doing it's job is only slightly helpful at this point of the morn').
How will my morning go?

Today is soft shell tacos - FABULOUS! All three school agers will eat that, and I agree that it has enough nutritional value to work for me too. I can grab my coffee and go about the other morning duties without hesitation or frustration.

However, there are days it does not go so smoothly. For example a Friday morning when lunch is BBQs
(also known as sloppy joe's) with a salad and corn - ugggggg, do I really have to get out of bed?

Fridays can be the worst. This is because Fridays are spelling test day. So not only are we worrying about clothes, backpacks....."did you remember to throw your shoes in", and "......hey you need to brush your teeth better than that!" but there are spelling words to practice one last time. Now, throw in three cold lunches for three very different tastes and it is enough to send me over the edge. On these mornings I think I should be drinking IRISH coffee

You are getting the idea.
Let me elaborate...
Grilled cheese and tomato soup - 2/3 of a bad morn. 2 cold lunches, 1 hot (lunch at school)
Chicken leg with mashed potatoes - good morn' with hestitation.
All three wee ones will eat at school but I wonder if they really will get enough food to keep them full.
Cheese Pizza - 100% sit down at the table and talk, great morning.
I know all three will eat it and be full, and it has enough nutrition to keep me happy (I have low expectations for school lunches)
Cheeseburger with tator tots - This too will be a good morn.

Now, if it is cheeseburgers on a Tuesday it is a happy day. Tuesdays are good mornings I get to stay home, the spelling words aren't calling yet, kids are out of the weekend slump etc.....

This is the kind of happy day where I feel like a choir should shuffle in from the back deck and break out in song leaving the kids dancing out the door on their way to the bus
(which arrives no later than 7am btw) So, bring on the choir the dancing and clapping because today was tacos and it was a HAPPY DAY!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's time to dance

For years I have been tough
I can do it myself
I can handle it
will do it
and well....

No need for a thank you
flowers, or a pat on the back.

The fact that I could do these things - prove myself, that was enough.
I had a do all be all attitude. I needed it - what was on my plate was huge

A husband gone working before the sun and long after it set. Baby after baby after baby, after what? one more baby? Running a daycare to boot. Plus insert many medical ailments and surgeries and pain. A house to keep up, a family who needed my body, heart, soul, and spirit. Children to chase, shape, and tend.

Doing it all plus is what I do. Without me doing my job my husband could not do his like he is able to do and vice versa. We know this. We do not argue on this point, sometimes point this out to each other, but agree.

It has worked.
Until lately.

I am done being strong, fierce and stubborn.
I am tired.
An engine can only run on high so long without a break and some maintenance.

I am ready for flowers, and pats on the back. I yearn to lay my head in a lap and have my hair petted. I want to be taken care of, if only for a short while. Daily tasks are slipping and I could care less. "Your socks are in the basket, won't kill you to dig for them."

You would think I would have reached this point in the middle of my kidney stone surgeries- throwing up on the side of the Highway with a car full of babies coming back from a basketball game where I made an appearance - keeping up appearances you know. Socializing the children. All important. Coming home from giving birth and being alone with two very small children and a newborn while bleeding and pale from exhaustion, two in diapers always. Dearest having little choice but to go back to work - or get docked pay. These are the days you think I would have laid down and given up - but my stubborn, put your head down, and get the job done attitude took over. This was necessary. Survival mode kicked in, and I am grateful for it.

But, no more. For awhile - I want flowers, and diner, and new clothes. Someone to notice my shoes and that my boobs look amazing in my new bra (thank you peri-menopausal hormones for making them grow!) Movies, and flirting, fun, and dancing. I want out. I want crowds, socialization. I want change. Dearest's position is safe in all of this - no fear. He is the one I want petting my hair and handing me the flowers and take me out so I can dance (he himself isn't a big dancer), we need something to look forward to. We need to get out. We need a change.

pics from vi.sualize.us

Nobody said it would be easy...

pic from here

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Cropping out our history

Oh, I remember that couch

I hated that rooster thing you had on the wall

Oh, look, there is Ginger our wiener dog -ohhhhh

What was I wearing?

Look at the back of grandpa's hair! He had hair.

These are the comments we are missing out on these days with our cropped and edited and well framed pictures. By taking out the back ground and being overly conscious of what is "going on" in our pictures we are erasing a bit of our history I believe.

I for one am all for every picture being wonderful and I eliminate as much of the background as I can too. But as I look back on old pictures it isn't the foreground I look at the longest it is what is behind the birthday girl.

Something to consider.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Collaborative Photo Project- Anticipation



Debra @ Sojourner

This week Deb and I came up with the word after I said what picture I wanted to post. Is that cheating? Well, maybe just Jungle Rules... but we both agreed, that is all that matters right?!

Monday, March 8, 2010

If one doesn't know anything

This made me giggle last night
although the fact that it was midnight might have had a whole lot to do with it!!!!

ok- here--->

"One cannot analyze what one knows,
go beyond what one knows,
or apply what one knows if one does not know anything"
Sternberg, Grigorenko, and Jarvin


I think I found it so funny, because it is so true


I don't do blog crushes, Julie @ Moments of Perfect Clarity does blog crushes...
But, every once in a great while I come across a blog that grabs me from the first line,
and then seals the deal with a video of her baby attempting to drink a beer out of the pantry.

Yep, I am crushing
You can too - So So Stephanie is HERE - all the cool kids are doing it.

pic by My Photo
Stephanie Meade Gresham

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I can relate to that

Women tell stories to each other.
We sit or walk close together, telling stories
of our lives,
and dreams

Stories are our way to illuminate the path
and find common ground.

Our illusions of separation disappear
When we hear stories of another's struggles
or discoveries
We hear ourselves say
"I can relate to that!"
Succulent Wild Women
by Sark

At what point does an acquaintance become a friend?

I have decided that the information shared between people is where the difference is made; opening up, telling personal tidbits, find those things that are your own yet you have in common, these are the things that draw us to another.

Do you scratch the surface, give basic details (I have 2 kids) or do you elaborate (one is a biter) ? Does that person reply back, "ohhh, that is nice".... or do they say - "I have a biter too!!" Suddenly a commonality is found that bonds you - you can relate. This is what happens.

Being able to open ourselves up a bit, sharing a more than what is on the surface is where the difference between acquaintances and friends are made. While it may not be easy to show what is down a bit deeper, in the end it can be worth it.


pic by JJ
" We leave our handprints on everything we touch.
Long after the print fades, the impression they made lasts forever."

Written in 2010 by Samantha Storsberg

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Got just enough religion and a half tank of gas

You know what I love about road trips? You come back a changed person if you are the same when you return... you did it wrong.

New places,
new experiences,
new tastes and smells.

My favorite...different people.

The planning, and packing situating, and organizing all becomes worth it when you pile into your vehicle - a hot cup of home brewed coffee on your lap, the sun rising in your face. Followed by a day with miles behind you and the sun setting on your back as you have a cup of coffee from a random gas station you stopped to fill up at. The possibilities endless.

Life is lived in the small moments between the planned ones. I never remember the route we plan, the things we predetermined we would see... no, it is always the detours that took us in circles, or the best pie ever at the restaurant we HAD to stop at for a bathroom emergency. The brakes going out in the mountains (twice) or our fuel line coming off on our way up to the Black Hills..... yes these are the things that make a trip memorable.

Much like life my friends. It is the unplanned events that seem to be where the memories are. Those are the times you remember....

What unplanned memory will you make?

"Lost Highway"

In my rearview mirror
My life is getting clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears
These trinkets once were treasure Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old or hit the road 'round here
So I drive, watching white lines passing by
With my plastic dashboard Jesus, waiting there to greet us

Hey, hey, I finally found my way Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain't no brakes on the lost highway
Yeah I'm busting loose, I'm letting go
Out on this open road
It's independence day on this lost highway

I don't know where I'm going
But I know where I've been
Now I'm afraid of going back again
So I drive, years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to great us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus

Oh patron saint of lonely souls
To tell this boy which way to go
Guide the car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let's go

I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain't no brakes on the lost highway
Yeah I'm busting loose, I'm letting go
Out on this open road
It's independence day on this lost highway

Friday, March 5, 2010

Where Do You Go?

What do you think of right before you go to sleep?
Right as you are drifting off
That moment where you let your muscles relax
and you start to let go.

Where does your mind go?

Do you think about your day?
Do you ponder an issue?
Do you think of happy thoughts
like we are told when we are little?

Do you set yourself up to dream what you want by
imagining it and hoping to sleep into that place?
Do you think about a love new or old?
Puppies, rainbows, and unicorns...
or black, dark, and frightening...

Where do you go when your mind wanders?

Watch Your Ego

When you are so busy
Saying good things about yourself
You don't allow room for others
To say good things
About you
You can quote me on that
Just Jules

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Collaborative Photo Project - Rest


The word for the day is

Debra @ Sojourner

Debra picked the word for the week. But, I tell you what - she couldn't have picked a better word! I laid down today for my ritualistic nap of the day I was roused by the phone ringing (I always text her when i am laying down and when I get up so she knows when and when not to call - how is that for a b.friend?!) She was calling to say she was worried if I was still sleeping because it had been so long (normally I only sleep for 1/2 hour) I was so so so very tired.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend. Hubby was gone at a Sport Show in Grand Forks, ND. leaving my bed empty and cold, and no one to hold me accountable for staying up too late. Plus my brain was buzzzzzzing if you remember. I was up early from the noise in my brain.

I am one person away from revealing my project. I am finding I really need to stay on top of people to get them to stay focused, but it is coming together perfectly! I shouldn't built it up as much as I am. It will seem deflated I suppose if I do.

Someone asked me the other day if I got my tattoo yet... I have not. But Julie @ Moments of Perfect Clarity sent me a tat pic that I am intrigued with to say the least.... what do you think? (I love love love love birds)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Monday, March 1, 2010

How to train your husband

Well Sage

is always good for a chuckle around here when he leaves a comment, in fact some of you look forward to them. But, he is a pretty good writer too. His blog is NSFW (not safe for work) some days and some days it isn't safe for the brain... politics and all. But he wrote a post last week he was proud of and I found interesting..... see what you think.

Sage on:
How to Train your Husband or Wife, Spouse Training

Well I have needed to write this post for a while now. So here goes. Before you decide hear me out. This might be longer than the unemployment lines you people who vote Democrat have given us.

Background on me. I used to train dogs. I had world class dogs, hunting dogs and Rotts. I had dogs that would hunt deer, fox, coyotes, coons, hogs and of course labs that would pick up birds. The Rotts were just because the bride liked them. The hunting dogs were a different pack for each different kind of game listed up there. So I know a little something about training animals.

Also just a note, there was an old black man that cleaned whatever we killed on a piece work system, you kill 20 squirrels he'd clean em all and keep 4-5 for supper, everyone wins. He also had coon dogs. Well he said something to me once that I always remembered and studied on and put into action. When I was about 15 he had a big boar coon in a cage, well I went there one day to take a mess of fish or something for cleaning and he had this big coon on his shoulder. If any of you know anything about coons, they ain't animals you take from the wild and handle. They will eat your ass up. So I said "Mr. G that thing is gonna eat you up!!" He said "son if I can control what and when something eats I could train a fuckin wildcat to do whatever I wanted him to". From that truth formed my theory and from there on to practical application in training of any animal including humans, kids as well as grown ups. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I beg to differ.

It seems that throughout blogville and IRL people are always pissy about someone elses behavior. If you listen and think about this I will help you change the behavior of any person. That is if you have control of their pleasure and their pain. You don't have to have control of your house or even have complete control, you just need to control something they covet and you need to be strong enough to hold out. This might cause you to miss out some but the lesson should hold forever and only periodically need to be retaught.

Ok well there are any number of examples I could use, first I will use your child. (Ok someone is going to say they did all that with their kid and it didn't work etc etc, it has always worked for me, every-single-time).

Every parent knows what their child likes/loves/desires/covets. It might be to watch TV, it might be to play the computer, it might be their phone, car, I-pod etc, whatever it might be you, the parent can change that childs behavior by holding the thing he/she covets as ransom. IE if you don't clean up your room you can't have your phone. ETC. We have all done that, the smart parents anyway. Well that same principle holds true for any animal. The way Mr. G trained the coon is that he controlled his food so if the coon acted nasty he didn't eat, when he acted right he got to eat AND a treat. It didn't take the coon long to learn that if he bit Mr. G his ass would be hungry for 3 days.

The problem with this tactic is that sometimes YOU will miss out. If you tell your kid ok if you keep your room clean for 1 month, everyday we will go to the beach for a weekend. Then you MUST stand by that. So if your kid doesn't do that then your kid AND YOU miss out on the beach weekend. Its the same thing with your husband, wife, whoever.

In many situations it isn't worth the fight to change behavior. Most people you can simply x out if their behavior doesn't suit you. BUT your family, who you can't really x out unless it is a huge problem needs training. It works with your parents, it works with your spouse, it works with your in laws.

Take your parents for example. Well take mine (both now dead) for example. When my daughter was 3 or so my mom would allow her to have gobs of sugar and chocolate and coke etc. Whatever. Well of course in small doses that might not be a big deal, but when the bride said NO straight sugar then that was that, right? Not so much. Well after trying that a few visits when it didn't work we were scheduled to go over there for some thing or other and we didn't show, when she asked why I said because you won't respect our wishes with R and sugar so the only thing I have that I can do is make sure she isn't around you. Can anyone say turd in a punch bowl, yeah there ya go. Well so she quit it for a few visits, then it was back to the same ole. Well that cost them another scheduled visit. After mom missed the next visit she got it. I successfully trained a 58 year old woman. Old dog, new tricks. See she coveted seeing her grand daughter MORE than she wanted to please said grand daughter by giving her coke and cotton candy.

Those of course are small and easy attitude adjustments. It will work on any scale. Any at all, if you are willing to stick it out.

Your husband. Say your husband, who likes and wants sex/supper/clean clothes/a clean house or whatever has some behavior you would like to change, you can change it. Lets say your husband likes to verbally beat you up in front of your kids and this is disturbing to you and he likes and expects a big supper every night. He expects a meat a couple veggies and a starch, bread and a glass of tea. Well you can use that against him to change his poor behavior. The next time and EVERY TIME after you start, that he beats you up verbally in front of the kids he has a grilled cheese for supper, he can eat it or do without. You did you duty, you fed and nourished him but not to his liking. When he says WTF? You say oh I figured since you decided it was ok to call me a bitch in front of our kids then it would be ok for you to have grilled cheese for supper. Then what will he do? Throw a fit like a 9 year old that doesn't get their way, of course. And yes you will have to deal with the fall out. But if your husband wants, and likes the big supper then after a few grilled cheese nights he will get it and his behavior will change, or he will leave.

Sex. Every guy I know likes sex, a lot. Say your hubs will not, just by god will not pick up his socks. (ok I know these issues are small but the tactic will work if you plug most any problem in there, gambling, coming home drunk, spending money, going to titty bars, whatever) Well then he won't pick his socks up after 10 years of you asking him nicely to, and he likes/wants expects sex. Well then the next time he hasn't picked up his socks and he wants a lil loving you are "not in the mood" when he presses then you allow him to get it. YES allow him to get it. No man or person for that matter is going to enjoy sex with a partner who isn't into it. The WORST thing ever is indifferent head/sex. So you lay there while he does his best to rock your world. when he asks whats up, and he will ask, you say you didn't pick your socks up and I just can't get into it when you don't pick your socks up. I mean JUST LAY THERE too. Read a book WHILE he is going to town, hum a tune or recite a poem, smoke a cigarette DURING.! Folks that would be worse than not getting it. Then when he does pick his socks up you MUST do your best Jenna Jamison impression, I mean swing from the ceiling fan! Pleasure pain principle.

The problem is people say well when I just lay there he doesn't get done and it takes forever so its better to fake it pick up the socks and carry on (which is probably true for the sock example). You can't change behavior if you don't put your big girl panties on and make it happen. So you must be prepared to deal with the fall out and be willing to keep it up forever. He will relapse, for sure, but if you never give in his attitude will change. It can be any problem you have, any behavior you want to change. It will work over and over and over. Even using the same carrot.

When it won't work.

It won't work if your hubs (for example) likes looking at porn the very best. If looking a porn on the tv or comp is his number one thing and you don't control his ability to do so then you can not change his behavior in that matter. If your man likes to go get drunk with his boys on Friday and Sat night more than he likes having sex with you during the week, or a hot supper or clean clothes or whatever then you can not change that behavior. Most people do not like their vice more than they like the things they take their spouse for granted for. So this method will work on 99% of the people, if you have the chitlins to stay with it.

On the converse if you want your guy to take out the trash, and he starts doing that then you appeal to his reward side. He takes out the trash, you pull him into the bathroom and lock the door. ;-) When you are done, SAY thanks for taking the trash off Big Daddy!!! See its a constant give and take. If you LOVE getting flowers, then every time he brings you flowers rock him with whatever it is he covets. This is so damn simple folks and it will work every time, or near to it.

BUT be warned what happens if you DON'T employ these tactics. YOU will be the one trained BY his bad behavior. If he hits you in the mouth at lunchtime and later that night you are yelling "You da man baby you da man" then he trained you! If he ever gets ANYTHING he wants after he has behaved badly then YOU have been trained. Same with any relationship that you have in your life. Not just your spouse. YOU have set the preceedent that bad behavior is ok with you.

Another old an told me one time to always "Start out like you can hold out". See I never asked for explanations to the things the old men would tell a 12-17 year old boy but I always got them figured out. This is about setting precedents. If you throw his shit in the yard the very first time he comes home drunk he will be forced to see that you mean business about that. If you wait until 10 years after you are married to throw his stuff in the yard then he has a decent case to argue that you bait and switched him. For the record the training will still be effective in this situation it will just be tougher and take longer.

Think about it. It happens every day in every relationship you have. Not every act that either of you do but some things you do daily.

Again these examples are silly but you should be smart enough to get the point. Now don't tell him straight ahead you are punishing or rewarding him but be sure he knows the correlation of one to the other. There you go. I promise it will work, I don't promise you are willing to do what you have to do to make it work though.

Lastly I understand some people are scared of the retribution. If he hits you call 911 and when he gets back from jail make him wonder where 1/2 his shit is and why is key doesn't work anymore.

Feel free to keep me in the loop on how your training is going and feel free to mail me for any more discussion or finer points of your personl prediciment and we will make you a plan that will work. Anything in mail is of course never posted only things in comments or things you give me permission to post.

Southern Sage

Sage is also over here too - talking about his take on Love... if ya need something else to rile you up, or get you thinking click on that link too.
The Real World - Venus/Mars

I added the pics (was not part of the original post)