Monday, March 1, 2010

How to train your husband

Well Sage

is always good for a chuckle around here when he leaves a comment, in fact some of you look forward to them. But, he is a pretty good writer too. His blog is NSFW (not safe for work) some days and some days it isn't safe for the brain... politics and all. But he wrote a post last week he was proud of and I found interesting..... see what you think.

Sage on:
How to Train your Husband or Wife, Spouse Training

Well I have needed to write this post for a while now. So here goes. Before you decide hear me out. This might be longer than the unemployment lines you people who vote Democrat have given us.

Background on me. I used to train dogs. I had world class dogs, hunting dogs and Rotts. I had dogs that would hunt deer, fox, coyotes, coons, hogs and of course labs that would pick up birds. The Rotts were just because the bride liked them. The hunting dogs were a different pack for each different kind of game listed up there. So I know a little something about training animals.

Also just a note, there was an old black man that cleaned whatever we killed on a piece work system, you kill 20 squirrels he'd clean em all and keep 4-5 for supper, everyone wins. He also had coon dogs. Well he said something to me once that I always remembered and studied on and put into action. When I was about 15 he had a big boar coon in a cage, well I went there one day to take a mess of fish or something for cleaning and he had this big coon on his shoulder. If any of you know anything about coons, they ain't animals you take from the wild and handle. They will eat your ass up. So I said "Mr. G that thing is gonna eat you up!!" He said "son if I can control what and when something eats I could train a fuckin wildcat to do whatever I wanted him to". From that truth formed my theory and from there on to practical application in training of any animal including humans, kids as well as grown ups. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I beg to differ.

It seems that throughout blogville and IRL people are always pissy about someone elses behavior. If you listen and think about this I will help you change the behavior of any person. That is if you have control of their pleasure and their pain. You don't have to have control of your house or even have complete control, you just need to control something they covet and you need to be strong enough to hold out. This might cause you to miss out some but the lesson should hold forever and only periodically need to be retaught.

Ok well there are any number of examples I could use, first I will use your child. (Ok someone is going to say they did all that with their kid and it didn't work etc etc, it has always worked for me, every-single-time).

Every parent knows what their child likes/loves/desires/covets. It might be to watch TV, it might be to play the computer, it might be their phone, car, I-pod etc, whatever it might be you, the parent can change that childs behavior by holding the thing he/she covets as ransom. IE if you don't clean up your room you can't have your phone. ETC. We have all done that, the smart parents anyway. Well that same principle holds true for any animal. The way Mr. G trained the coon is that he controlled his food so if the coon acted nasty he didn't eat, when he acted right he got to eat AND a treat. It didn't take the coon long to learn that if he bit Mr. G his ass would be hungry for 3 days.

The problem with this tactic is that sometimes YOU will miss out. If you tell your kid ok if you keep your room clean for 1 month, everyday we will go to the beach for a weekend. Then you MUST stand by that. So if your kid doesn't do that then your kid AND YOU miss out on the beach weekend. Its the same thing with your husband, wife, whoever.

In many situations it isn't worth the fight to change behavior. Most people you can simply x out if their behavior doesn't suit you. BUT your family, who you can't really x out unless it is a huge problem needs training. It works with your parents, it works with your spouse, it works with your in laws.

Take your parents for example. Well take mine (both now dead) for example. When my daughter was 3 or so my mom would allow her to have gobs of sugar and chocolate and coke etc. Whatever. Well of course in small doses that might not be a big deal, but when the bride said NO straight sugar then that was that, right? Not so much. Well after trying that a few visits when it didn't work we were scheduled to go over there for some thing or other and we didn't show, when she asked why I said because you won't respect our wishes with R and sugar so the only thing I have that I can do is make sure she isn't around you. Can anyone say turd in a punch bowl, yeah there ya go. Well so she quit it for a few visits, then it was back to the same ole. Well that cost them another scheduled visit. After mom missed the next visit she got it. I successfully trained a 58 year old woman. Old dog, new tricks. See she coveted seeing her grand daughter MORE than she wanted to please said grand daughter by giving her coke and cotton candy.

Those of course are small and easy attitude adjustments. It will work on any scale. Any at all, if you are willing to stick it out.

Your husband. Say your husband, who likes and wants sex/supper/clean clothes/a clean house or whatever has some behavior you would like to change, you can change it. Lets say your husband likes to verbally beat you up in front of your kids and this is disturbing to you and he likes and expects a big supper every night. He expects a meat a couple veggies and a starch, bread and a glass of tea. Well you can use that against him to change his poor behavior. The next time and EVERY TIME after you start, that he beats you up verbally in front of the kids he has a grilled cheese for supper, he can eat it or do without. You did you duty, you fed and nourished him but not to his liking. When he says WTF? You say oh I figured since you decided it was ok to call me a bitch in front of our kids then it would be ok for you to have grilled cheese for supper. Then what will he do? Throw a fit like a 9 year old that doesn't get their way, of course. And yes you will have to deal with the fall out. But if your husband wants, and likes the big supper then after a few grilled cheese nights he will get it and his behavior will change, or he will leave.

Sex. Every guy I know likes sex, a lot. Say your hubs will not, just by god will not pick up his socks. (ok I know these issues are small but the tactic will work if you plug most any problem in there, gambling, coming home drunk, spending money, going to titty bars, whatever) Well then he won't pick his socks up after 10 years of you asking him nicely to, and he likes/wants expects sex. Well then the next time he hasn't picked up his socks and he wants a lil loving you are "not in the mood" when he presses then you allow him to get it. YES allow him to get it. No man or person for that matter is going to enjoy sex with a partner who isn't into it. The WORST thing ever is indifferent head/sex. So you lay there while he does his best to rock your world. when he asks whats up, and he will ask, you say you didn't pick your socks up and I just can't get into it when you don't pick your socks up. I mean JUST LAY THERE too. Read a book WHILE he is going to town, hum a tune or recite a poem, smoke a cigarette DURING.! Folks that would be worse than not getting it. Then when he does pick his socks up you MUST do your best Jenna Jamison impression, I mean swing from the ceiling fan! Pleasure pain principle.

The problem is people say well when I just lay there he doesn't get done and it takes forever so its better to fake it pick up the socks and carry on (which is probably true for the sock example). You can't change behavior if you don't put your big girl panties on and make it happen. So you must be prepared to deal with the fall out and be willing to keep it up forever. He will relapse, for sure, but if you never give in his attitude will change. It can be any problem you have, any behavior you want to change. It will work over and over and over. Even using the same carrot.

When it won't work.

It won't work if your hubs (for example) likes looking at porn the very best. If looking a porn on the tv or comp is his number one thing and you don't control his ability to do so then you can not change his behavior in that matter. If your man likes to go get drunk with his boys on Friday and Sat night more than he likes having sex with you during the week, or a hot supper or clean clothes or whatever then you can not change that behavior. Most people do not like their vice more than they like the things they take their spouse for granted for. So this method will work on 99% of the people, if you have the chitlins to stay with it.

On the converse if you want your guy to take out the trash, and he starts doing that then you appeal to his reward side. He takes out the trash, you pull him into the bathroom and lock the door. ;-) When you are done, SAY thanks for taking the trash off Big Daddy!!! See its a constant give and take. If you LOVE getting flowers, then every time he brings you flowers rock him with whatever it is he covets. This is so damn simple folks and it will work every time, or near to it.

BUT be warned what happens if you DON'T employ these tactics. YOU will be the one trained BY his bad behavior. If he hits you in the mouth at lunchtime and later that night you are yelling "You da man baby you da man" then he trained you! If he ever gets ANYTHING he wants after he has behaved badly then YOU have been trained. Same with any relationship that you have in your life. Not just your spouse. YOU have set the preceedent that bad behavior is ok with you.

Another old an told me one time to always "Start out like you can hold out". See I never asked for explanations to the things the old men would tell a 12-17 year old boy but I always got them figured out. This is about setting precedents. If you throw his shit in the yard the very first time he comes home drunk he will be forced to see that you mean business about that. If you wait until 10 years after you are married to throw his stuff in the yard then he has a decent case to argue that you bait and switched him. For the record the training will still be effective in this situation it will just be tougher and take longer.

Think about it. It happens every day in every relationship you have. Not every act that either of you do but some things you do daily.

Again these examples are silly but you should be smart enough to get the point. Now don't tell him straight ahead you are punishing or rewarding him but be sure he knows the correlation of one to the other. There you go. I promise it will work, I don't promise you are willing to do what you have to do to make it work though.

Lastly I understand some people are scared of the retribution. If he hits you call 911 and when he gets back from jail make him wonder where 1/2 his shit is and why is key doesn't work anymore.

Feel free to keep me in the loop on how your training is going and feel free to mail me for any more discussion or finer points of your personl prediciment and we will make you a plan that will work. Anything in mail is of course never posted only things in comments or things you give me permission to post.

Southern Sage

Sage is also over here too - talking about his take on Love... if ya need something else to rile you up, or get you thinking click on that link too.
The Real World - Venus/Mars

I added the pics (was not part of the original post)


Anonymous said...

First I was checking out your "followers" over there, man a bunch of hot chicks in those little squares.

Thanks for posting it!! I thought it was good but it got very little play, maybe because it was so long. Today is Sageville is vanilla so it is safe to click and read and comment, tomorrow will be safe too, wed/thurs ummm not so much.

Y'all oughta hit the Love link too and check that out on Real World, cause I am the Love Doctor!!!!

In the words of Exile....

I ain' no doctor, Ain't got no PHD
But when you talk about love baby
you better talk to me.....

Y'all come see me now ya' hear?!

Just Jules said...

Now THAT is one humble man there :) goofy!!!!

I do have some of the best followers (don't stalk them now Sage) and good looking? well of course! smart too.

Ok - enough. I stopped in to say that if you comment you should click that little box down below your comment that says "email follow-up comments to..." cuz you will get a response today ...mmmk?

Anonymous said...

Good point JJ!
I'll be away from comp today but I will reply to all comments!

Deb said...

Can't believe this post didn't get many comments on Sage's about controversial! What spouse wants to be 'trained'...we all want unconditional love and respect. Yea, yea! I'm into the barter system. After 23 years we are pretty direct, I'll trade you x for z works better for us than with-holding/rewarding. Not that I've got it all figured out by any stretch of the imagination. I'm going to be very interested to see what your other readers have to say about Sage's training tips!
By the way, I have a 3 year old male Pomeranian who was a terror. I had him neutered this fall and he is much more pliable. However, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that strategy for spouses either. :- )

Deb said...

Sage, would love to hear your comments, so I've come back to check the follow-up box!

~DokterKenny said...

Hmmm..interesting and certainly colorful.However, if it were only that simple.

Well first off let me just say if your spouse is physically or verbally abusing the training should not be withholding sex or food it should be leaving their ass. Yes, skip Spouse101 and go right to getting a Phd in LeavingYoAss cuz that behavior is not likely to go away with any amount of training.

Now it's nothing personal, I can see where these ideas might get your point across, but the idea that we have to train a partner in real life like they are "chattel" doesn't sit well with me personally. Look I know it is different with everyone, but what about conversation and compromise, respect, love, understanding all that stuff. I would rather my spouse have a conversation with me rather than fling a plate of grilled cheese in front of me which would not work any way because I happen to love grilled cheese! :-)

Here is the other thing. Some things are just not hills you want to die on. What I mean is we all have imperfections and we are willing to accept certain levels of of those imperfections as the beauty and cost of our relationship. For example I might leave my socks on the floor (which I don't) but if I did I might also be great in bed and keep all the cars running, so socks on the floor might be a small trade off. In turn she might always leave lights on around on the house and spend frivolously, but instead of refusing to mow the lawn I deal because she has the sexiest curves in the universe and she is a wonderful mother...

Ok I am starting to ramble on here, but I hope you get the point. Its true I am divorced, so in some way I feel I have failed and maybe could have used more of my own advice. Oh well live and learn.

Anonymous said...

Mag Deb: It didn't have many comments here either?!?!?! I knew it wouldn't. I don't know why I think it hits home with to many people. People think love/relationships are all beer and wings and everyone does what they want. I can tell you this, if you don't train then you are the trained.

No neutering here!

Anonymous said...

Kenny: I absolutely agree on the physical abuse! That might be where we stop agreeing, but on tat we are down like four flat tires.

I realize you would rather she conversed with you, this post is for AFTER the conversation. When the asking, begging and pleading has not worked. The question from me to you is that when YOU get the grilled cheese do you say to yourself "Hmmmm I might better start paying better attention".

Well we agree again! As I stated the scenarios are simple just trying to prove my point and be as pithy as possible. That being said in your socks on the floor scenario YOU have trained HER. See she is trained to pick up the socks and she will get stellar bed time and hooked up transportation.
Both of you are properly trained! Being trained is not a bad thing. My bride has prolly 10k worth f damn satchels but as long as she tends the kids and does her stuff I don't care. Trained I am.

Good comment and I get it but I should have put more emphases of the training not being negative or bad. The training is hugely positive for each person as well as the relationship as a whole!

Ok the word verification was "precrach"
I can not make this shit up!
What is precrack? Marijuana? Prescription drugs? Alcohol?
Or is precrack heavy petting? Light petting?