Friday, February 19, 2010
Two posts in one - one an excuse, the second a realization
Scanning through my blog page this evening I realize there is very little content being presented lately.
It is February in Minnesota. There isn't much going on, including brain activity in my head. The brain starts to shut down this time of year. It is a chemical reaction - due to loss of Vitamin D and essential fats like Omega. This is due to the extreme lack of quality sunlight we receive here in the winter time.
I have been taking Vitamin D and an Omega supplement this year and it has really helped but I am finding myself slowly slipping.... into February-dom. Sigh....
Major decisions should not be made in the month of February around these parts. The brain is just not functioning well enough to make a good decisions. Long hair gets chopped followed by days of tears for such a stupid thing, rooms get painted horrible colors and relationships break up- oh the tricks the mind can play on one suffering from cabin fever.
Something to look forward to - that is what we need around here. Sitters that don't run us $30 a night, activities that include more then a $9 a piece movie ticket, food that doesn't all taste the same but runs you $45 for two... Yeah - something has to give before it is my sanity.
This time of year the morning bus stop is no longer pitch black and people leaving work can see the sun setting. The body yearns to get out, but the skin protests when it finds the temperatures hover just above zero.
I am finding out also - that according to the hierarchy of needs, I am both blessed and pressed with the fact that I might actually be on the self actualization step. A hard step to be on. Learning and improving on oneself is a tough task.
What I have learned - I am not who I used to be. How could I be? However the people in my life who have known me for my life still think I am me - the old me. If anything goes against the perception of me they have in their heads it is uncomfortable to them. I have put on the face of the person people wanted me to be - become a chameleon, becoming who they thought I was to make them happy. I can't do that anymore. I am me - but changing... accept me for who I am becoming. If people do not change and adapt they will become extinct. I am tired of dying inside, becoming extinct to myself. There is opposition for sure.
Part of this has to do with the kids getting older. I have a chance to look up from the tasks that daunted me for so long. My health issues have not plagued my existence and dominated my actions. I have a chance to breathe.
When I feel like I am being "lazy" in a day... I stop and tell myself I have earned such a luxury of time after the decade of running my ass of, not sitting down, nor sleeping. Yet I still am riddled with guilt for not being constantly on my toes and in constant motion. I need to check that, it doesn't serve anyone.
I also ask those around me to back off. Please understand that I have shut down a bit and pulled into myself, somewhere I have not been able to go for a decade. I have been doing for others and doing what others wanted. Being who people wanted me to be and who my children needed me to be.
I need time. Give me that. Also - stop thinking you know who I am because you used to know who I was. Let me grow and change. If I can not be myself, try out different faces then how can I be happy. Just because you painted a room mustard with olive green accents in the 70's doesn't mean you want to live with that today. Sometimes things just have to change.
My youngest goes to school next year. The change is going to happen whether I want it to or not. I just want to be prepared. Ever hear about the lady that never complained about anything but one day just left? Left it all? I bet she was fighting inner demons for far too long. Someone doesn't JUST snap. I am going to maintain myself like a good car owner maintains their vehicle... I am going to prevent the breakdown before it happens.
So, please - step back, let me be for a bit... be flexible in your view of me. Don't push and we will see what comes. A butterfly in the cocoon state possibly? Waiting for the beauty that comes with emerging from the chrysalis. Waiting for my wings. There are good things to come from me - I can feel it.