Friday, February 19, 2010

Two posts in one - one an excuse, the second a realization

Scanning through my blog page this evening I realize there is very little content being presented lately.

It is February in Minnesota. There isn't much going on, including brain activity in my head. The brain starts to shut down this time of year. It is a chemical reaction - due to loss of Vitamin D and essential fats like Omega. This is due to the extreme lack of quality sunlight we receive here in the winter time.

I have been taking Vitamin D and an Omega supplement this year and it has really helped but I am finding myself slowly slipping.... into February-dom. Sigh....

Major decisions should not be made in the month of February around these parts. The brain is just not functioning well enough to make a good decisions. Long hair gets chopped followed by days of tears for such a stupid thing, rooms get painted horrible colors and relationships break up- oh the tricks the mind can play on one suffering from cabin fever.

Something to look forward to - that is what we need around here. Sitters that don't run us $30 a night, activities that include more then a $9 a piece movie ticket, food that doesn't all taste the same but runs you $45 for two... Yeah - something has to give before it is my sanity.
This time of year the morning bus stop is no longer pitch black and people leaving work can see the sun setting. The body yearns to get out, but the skin protests when it finds the temperatures hover just above zero.

Second Thought/Post

I am finding out also - that according to the hierarchy of needs, I am both blessed and pressed with the fact that I might actually be on the self actualization step. A hard step to be on. Learning and improving on oneself is a tough task.

What I have learned - I am not who I used to be. How could I be? However the people in my life who have known me for my life still think I am me - the old me. If anything goes against the perception of me they have in their heads it is uncomfortable to them. I have put on the face of the person people wanted me to be - become a chameleon, becoming who they thought I was to make them happy. I can't do that anymore. I am me - but changing... accept me for who I am becoming. If people do not change and adapt they will become extinct. I am tired of dying inside, becoming extinct to myself. There is opposition for sure.

Part of this has to do with the kids getting older. I have a chance to look up from the tasks that daunted me for so long. My health issues have not plagued my existence and dominated my actions. I have a chance to breathe.

When I feel like I am being "lazy" in a day... I stop and tell myself I have earned such a luxury of time after the decade of running my ass of, not sitting down, nor sleeping. Yet I still am riddled with guilt for not being constantly on my toes and in constant motion. I need to check that, it doesn't serve anyone.

I also ask those around me to back off. Please understand that I have shut down a bit and pulled into myself, somewhere I have not been able to go for a decade. I have been doing for others and doing what others wanted. Being who people wanted me to be and who my children needed me to be.

I need time. Give me that. Also - stop thinking you know who I am because you used to know who I was. Let me grow and change. If I can not be myself, try out different faces then how can I be happy. Just because you painted a room mustard with olive green accents in the 70's doesn't mean you want to live with that today. Sometimes things just have to change.

My youngest goes to school next year. The change is going to happen whether I want it to or not. I just want to be prepared. Ever hear about the lady that never complained about anything but one day just left? Left it all? I bet she was fighting inner demons for far too long. Someone doesn't JUST snap. I am going to maintain myself like a good car owner maintains their vehicle... I am going to prevent the breakdown before it happens.

So, please - step back, let me be for a bit... be flexible in your view of me. Don't push and we will see what comes. A butterfly in the cocoon state possibly? Waiting for the beauty that comes with emerging from the chrysalis. Waiting for my wings. There are good things to come from me - I can feel it.


Anonymous said...

Sunshine everyone changes for sure and peoples needs and circumstances change, theirs and yours.

Also people tend to hold on to the person they met or either the person you were when they like you the most.

I also think we set precedents with our actions and people unrealistically expect to always be that way.

And some people just suck and expect you to always be whatever it is THEY want you to be.

there ya go
have a big ole weekend!

Anonymous said...

Here in western MI we just celebrated 2 days in the row of brillant sunshine. It may be February and it may still be cold and there is still snow on the ground but I was so happy for 2 days of sunshine I put on a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt and went for a bicycle ride :-) Spring is only 6 weeks away...hooooooooray !!

Sandra said...

Dear Jules, I remember being your age and I remember these feelings well. I think for women this is the dark age. It was for me. Hang on, be strong. A better time is coming, I swear.

Unknown said...

In the not too distant past, a good majority of my life was engulfed with me changing. For 5 years I struggled to become someone else and as if that isn't hard enough on it's own terms, a lot of people held me back. People that mean well can do that sometimes. If we as humans have trouble letting people we love change, it's because we aren't experiencing their pain and their joy and we don't understand their heart's longings. Some people are incapable of understanding. And some people will surprise you. Hang on Jules! And savor the transformation as the miracle it truly is.

As my late Italian Grandma's to those that wish us well, all the rest can go to hell. : D

julochka said...

this is a great post. i think that getting it all out onto the page will help you a long way down the road to unfolding as that beautiful butterfly. this really seems to be the year of the butterfly all over the blogosphere.

i hope everyone gives you the room you need.


Deb said...

I love it! Out of the introspection pours truth.

May you be at peace.
May your heart remain open.
May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.
May you be healed. May you be a source of healing for all beings. -Metta (Loving kindness) Blessing

Vodka Logic said...

Great post and so open. I have been taking Vit D as well, for my bones. Not sure how well it is working but I try.

"stop thinking you know who I am because you used to know who I was. Let me grow and change. "

What a great line.. and so wish my family would accept such things

Big Blue House said...

Go get your hormone levels checked. No, seriously, it sounds a little like your levels might be either fluctuating or down.

I am 63 years old and still changing. I think women especially go through MANY changes in their life as they mature. This can be a good thing if you are in tune with your body.

This age of your life is the hardest part. The best is yet to come!!! Try to think positive and have patience with those that don't understand. They are just mourning your old self because they loved or liked your old self, but will also love your new self when you emrge.